The last few weeks I have struggled. Feeling as though I am running a race but never really getting anywhere. The race was worry. Fear. Round and round on the track in my head.
It all started when I found out, Logan, my now 10 year old son, was making some less than great decisions. You see Logan has tricuspid atresia. A congenital heart defect, that we have dealt with from birth. He has had a total of 3 open heart surgeries. This means that Logan has a fairly long list of "Don'ts".
The biggest one right now is -No contact sports of any kind. (He is a 10 year old boy with lots of energy. Really? How do we tell him he can't play sports?) At least the ones that he wants to play. Topping the list are Football and wrestling.
I was made aware that he was in fact playing 2 hand touch football at recess. Lets just be honest. A bunch of 4th graders playing "2 hand touch" it's basically tackle football. This promptly sent me running that same ole race I mentioned earlier. The fear kicked in and away I went. What if Logan takes a hit and one of the shunts were ripped loose. This could cause internal bleeding. We wouldn't know. Or worse if another child takes him down and it stops his heart or mess with the rhythm. The longer I let my thoughts go the worse it got. I couldn't keep up with them and I started to get overwhelmed.
How do I make him understand? I don't want to totally freak him out but I need him to understand. John came home and we all talked about it. Telling him that we can only give him the tools and information but he has to be the one to make good choices.
Days go on. Logan's birthday came. I remember the first year of his life. How hard it was. All the surgeries. The decisions. The trials. The tears. The sleepless nights. The hospital stays. It seemed never-ending.
Now here we were, 10 years later. He has been doing so well. How do I protect him? Isn't that my job? I'm the mom. It's my job.
Sunday morning rolls around. We head to church. Worship starts. We are singing about surrender. About giving up our lives. Never looking back, I surrender all! Living for God's glory on this earth. What does this mean? How do I do that? Surrender my kids?
I look at the bulletin. I see the dates. Dates that bring so many unpleasant memories flooding back. February 24, 2005. Logan was only 3 1/2 weeks old. He coded, almost died in my arms. We were helpless. I was helpless. I was mom, I was supposed to protect him. All we had was prayer. That is exactly what we did, prayed. Surgery. Waiting. Prayers answered. God was faithful!
Fast forward 10 years. Same boat. Though the waters feel a little more calm, I have to keep reminding myself that I am not the captain of this ship. I never have been. I never will be. I know that captain though. God is the captain, he knows my fears. He knows whats best for Logan. He loves me even when I try to take back the control that I never really had.
How do I teach faith? By living it. How do I live it? Surrender. Arms high and heart abandoned. Is it fun? Not always. Is it worth it? Totally. Truth will always be truth, God is faithful. He is merciful and gracious.
The bible is very clear. Deuteronomy 31:8 says "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
I know that trials will come and my human nature will be to pick this all back up. Today I say no to the fear, the worry. I know that God's word is true. He is with my children even when I am not. He is more than enough protection for them. I rest on the promise that he will walk with us through every moment of this life!
Very well said...thanks for sharing this.
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