Winter Movie Marathons and Mind Mumblings.

     Gifts have been unwrapped.  Family gatherings have been attended . Lots of cookies, candies and goodies have been eaten.  Laughs have been had.  Games played.  Time spent.   What has touched you the most?  What are your most fond memories of the season?

     Today we had some very icy/snowy weather.  So John and the boys and I all hunkered down in the house.  The boys and I had a Christmas movie marathon.  It was relaxing and fun.  As I watched these movies they were never about the "things" of Christmas.  It was all about family connection.  Mending family ties. Healing relationships.

     This made me think about this past year.  The amount of loss just within my family.  So much has changed.  So many hurts and trials.  So many times my heart just felt heavy.
 
     My Grandfather and John's Grandmother died within a couple weeks of each other this summer.    Loss is a part of life and I would say that both my Grandpa and John's Grandma were ready for heaven.  Their spouses were both in Glory.  Their bodies ailing. As much as I will miss them I know they are exactly where they want to be.

    In November my Uncle passed away. This was a harder one to process.  He was a Godly man.  I know that heaven was His reward as well but he was young.  Healthy.  Had young sons who are just starting lives of their own.  A wife that was looking to spend another 40 years with him.  None of us ready to say "See you later".  None of us ready for such an abrupt end.

     Thinking back through the year of friends and family.  Challenges that they have shared with me.  Some day to day trials,  Others just devastating life changes.  Things that they didn't choose.  Relationship "stuff".  Financial burdens.  You name it.

     I don't claim to have any of the answers.  There is one thing I do know.  I am thankful.  I am thankful for the hope the future holds.  I am thankful for the health of those close to me.  I am thankful for the promise that God gives that "He will never leave us nor forsake us".  I am thankful that no matter what the trial, No matter how hard life gets, or how terrible things seem. We have a savior.  All he asks is that we surrender.  He tells us to come just as we are.  Bringing all our baggage and insecurity.  Just admit that we need something, someone, outside of ourselves.  Jesus!  All we have to do is say yes.

   

Life, Legacy and all the Days in the Middle.

    I often feel like the little things of life don't matter.  So what if the laundry piles up?  So what if the dust is a half inch thick?  You come to my house to see me not how dusty it is, right?
    It's so easy for parents to feel like the daily struggle isn't worth it.  Why correct a disobedient child? In 10 minutes they will just be doing the same thing (or something equally annoying) and need correcting again.
   It's easy to feel frustrated.  It's easy to become overwhelmed.  It's easy to give up.  It's easy to worry or even obsess.
   As a Christian I know that "Good things come to those that wait" It's not easy to be patient. It's most certainly not fun.  Lots of times it is painful.  Emotionally. Spiritually.  Just painful.
   That's when you look at those that have gone before you.  I look at my grandparents, for example.  My grandfather just passed away earlier this summer.  He was a very humble man.  He didn't say much.  He love his family.  He loved Jesus.  He was a wonderful example of a Godly man.
   He also was very human.  Did he love his wife?  Yes.  Did he love his children? Of coarse.  Did he make mistakes along the way?  I'm pretty sure he would say he did more wrong than right.
   In spite of this his children loved him dearly.  They love Jesus.  They raised their children to do the same.  They treat others with kindness and love.  
   The days that he didn't feel like he maybe was the man he could have of or should have been were days that he still said prayers over his household.  He still read God's word and had quiet time with the Lord.  This is his legacy.
    I have really been thinking a lot about what it means to build a legacy.  It sounds so noble.  It sounds so unattainable...just to be honest.  How am I a (very human and not always loving) mother going to leave a legacy.  I mean honestly there are days I hope my boys forget how quickly I lost my cool.  That they don't resent me for being to busy or tired.
    Well and lets just be clear here, when I say legacy I am not meaning riches of this earth.  Not millions of dollars or tons of land.  I am talking about spiritual wealth.
    The key word that keeps coming to me is "Grace".  When my top blows and the steams is coming out my ears it is followed by a mountain of guilt.  When I think "Yup, I blew it again (literally)."
     It's what I do with the next moment.   It's going back to my child and telling them how much I love them.  How I should have reacted and then asking them to forgive me because I wronged them.
     It's when I don't repent and ask for forgiveness that those "Days in the middle" get lost in the shuffle.  That's when I find myself falling farther and farther from the person I know I want to be.  Who God calls me to be.
     Leaving a legacy isn't about being noble, its about being humble.  Leaving a legacy is unattainable on our own.
     The legacy I want to leave requires daily sacrifice and surrender.  It requires transparency and vulnerability.   The legacy I want to leave is Jesus.
      I don't want my children to look at me and think I'm perfect.  I also don't want them to be ashamed of me.
     I want my children to look at me and see that even though I am not perfect, I love Jesus and that even on the bad days, Jesus shines through.  At the end of each day they see that his Grace is enough.  His mercy is new every morning and great is his faithfulness.  (Lamentations 3:23)
     Just as those, like the Grandfather I mentioned before, I know I make mistakes.   I also know that this is the only life I get.  I will leave a legacy and I choose the legacy of  faith and ultimately of eternal life.  To leave the legacy of Jesus.  I pray that it runs true and deep in the hearts of my children, and in  my grandchildren and the generations that follow after.
     Today is a new day.  The circumstances of today may not seem to have much bearing on the rest of my life but its in the little choices all around me.  Today, I choose life!  

A Piece of My Heart - Being a Mommy

The last few weeks I have struggled. Feeling as though I am running a race but never really getting anywhere. The race was worry. Fear. Round and round on the track in my head.

It all started when I found out, Logan, my now 10 year old son, was making some less than great decisions. You see Logan has tricuspid atresia. A congenital heart defect, that we have dealt with from birth. He has had a total of 3 open heart surgeries. This means that Logan has a fairly long list of "Don'ts".

The biggest one right now is -No contact sports of any kind. (He is a 10 year old boy with lots of energy. Really? How do we tell him he can't play sports?) At least the ones that he wants to play. Topping the list are Football and wrestling.

I was made aware that he was in fact playing 2 hand touch football at recess. Lets just be honest. A bunch of 4th graders playing "2 hand touch" it's basically tackle football. This promptly sent me running that same ole race I mentioned earlier. The fear kicked in and away I went. What if Logan takes a hit and one of the shunts were ripped loose. This could cause internal bleeding. We wouldn't know. Or worse if another child takes him down and it stops his heart or mess with the rhythm. The longer I let my thoughts go the worse it got. I couldn't keep up with them and I started to get overwhelmed.

How do I make him understand? I don't want to totally freak him out but I need him to understand. John came home and we all talked about it. Telling him that we can only give him the tools and information but he has to be the one to make good choices.

Days go on. Logan's birthday came. I remember the first year of his life. How hard it was. All the surgeries. The decisions. The trials. The tears. The sleepless nights. The hospital stays. It seemed never-ending.

Now here we were, 10 years later. He has been doing so well. How do I protect him? Isn't that my job? I'm the mom. It's my job.

Sunday morning rolls around. We head to church. Worship starts. We are singing about surrender. About giving up our lives. Never looking back, I surrender all! Living for God's glory on this earth. What does this mean? How do I do that? Surrender my kids?

I look at the bulletin. I see the dates. Dates that bring so many unpleasant memories flooding back. February 24, 2005. Logan was only 3 1/2 weeks old. He coded, almost died in my arms. We were helpless. I was helpless. I was mom, I was supposed to protect him. All we had was prayer. That is exactly what we did, prayed. Surgery. Waiting. Prayers answered. God was faithful!

Fast forward 10 years. Same boat. Though the waters feel a little more calm, I have to keep reminding myself that I am not the captain of this ship. I never have been. I never will be. I know that captain though. God is the captain, he knows my fears. He knows whats best for Logan. He loves me even when I try to take back the control that I never really had.

How do I teach faith? By living it. How do I live it? Surrender. Arms high and heart abandoned. Is it fun? Not always. Is it worth it? Totally. Truth will always be truth, God is faithful. He is merciful and gracious.

The bible is very clear. Deuteronomy 31:8 says "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

I know that trials will come and my human nature will be to pick this all back up. Today I say no to the fear, the worry. I know that God's word is true. He is with my children even when I am not. He is more than enough protection for them. I rest on the promise that he will walk with us through every moment of this life!

Monster Mom or Mother of Grace

Today my son and I had dentist appointments. I told him that I would take him to lunch afterward. So true to his child/boy instincts, he chose McDonalds. We ordered and sat down. About halfway through our meal a mother with 3 children, (probably about 8, 10 & 12) came with their tray of food and sat at the table next to ours. They had 4, $1 sandwiches, a large fry which were split 4 ways and 2 small drinks that were also to be shared.

As they opened the sandwiches the littlest girl saw that her food was not what she ordered. They had asked for them plain. So the mother very calmly, collected the sandwiched and took them back up to the counter. She came back to the table with 4 fresh sandwiches. The children asking her what had happened. The mother was saying she was disappointed in the service. They were rude to her telling her that she must have forgotten to tell them. I noticed something about her though. As she told them what she thought was wrong with the situation, she never got angry. She never acted entitled. She just took the opportunity to explain to her children how it should of been handled. Saying things like "If you ever have a costumer that comes to you..." Or "As an employee serving the public you should always make them feel..."

This woman totally blew me away. Her children were polite and sweet. Waiting patiently. Offering to serve one another. Truly enjoying the time they had together.

As my son and I got up to throw our trash away I stopped at her table and told her how blessed I was by seeing her deal with this situation. I also made sure to preface it by saying I wasn't trying to be a creepy stalker by listening into their conversation. I told her how refreshing it is to see a mom with such grace. That I had been blessed and encouraged by her.

She smiled and said, "Well, I can tell that you are a good mom. You wouldn't have noticed my actions if you yourself didnt practice them."

I do want to be a mother of grace. To be totally truthful this is more rare than I would like to admit. Often the MOMMY MONSTER rears its ugly head. I feel like I have the right to be angry. Why? Well my child was disrespectful. My husband didn't act in the way I thought he should. I felt trapped. I was tired. You know the list can go on and on.

I could tell by this woman's children that she has shown LOTS of grace. How? Her children were gracious.

This also made me think of the verses in Proverbs 31. 25-26 She is clothed with strength and dignity; She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She was a proverbs 31 mom. Just like I strive to be.