Sadness, laughter and faith

  Yesterday was a wonderful day.  Family all together.  Celebrating the fact that my grandparents have been married for 54 years!   (Some family also is here from out of state so that's always a good reason to get together also.) We had a good time.  A fun time.  A time of making memories and laughing.

    It was getting late and I hadn't taken time to go talk with my grandpa.  So I made my way into the living room where he was sitting in his chair watching the Olympics.    I watched him struggle for the most basic human necessity...oxygen.  My nose started to tingle a little.  I knew that if I didn't try and think about something else I was going to start crying.  I didn't want him to see me cry. I'm strong, I'll hold it back.
  I asked him how he was doing.  He didn't reply, just kept focuses on his breathing.  He looked around as if trying to find something.
 I said,"Do you need something Grandpa?"
 He said,"Yes, a new life" very nonchalant.
"You're ready for Jesus to give you those new lungs?"
"YES!"
"Did you ask him?"
"I ask him often.  I dont care if it here or there but I'm ready whenever he is."
 In my mind, I was 13 all of a sudden.  Walking into the bathroom in our old farmhouse.  Patrick was sitting there with an inhaler in one hand and doing everything he could to just say, "I...cant...breath."  I was helpless then and I am still helpless.  I couldn't help Patrick and after all this time I have no new knowledge on help someone whose lungs aren't working.  Which means that I cant help my Grandpa either.
  It shouldn't be this way.  It isn't fair!  I want to stomp my feet and throw a fit.  I want him to be healed.  I don't want to see him struggle...so that's what I say.
"Grandpa I'm sorry this is so hard for you.  It makes me sad seeing you struggle so hard."  Now I have tears trickling down my face.  I still try to hide them.  Brushing them away as quickly as they come.
 His response, "Well Colleen, its just going to get worse."
 It hit me like 10 tons of bricks and I couldn't hold any of it back.  Tears started streaming down my cheeks and he just went on, you know, as if I wasn't sitting there blubbering on.
  "We know Jesus went to heaven to prepare us a mansions and when its ready he will come to take us home."
 I know that!  Does he think I don't?  No, he knows I do.  This is just his way of telling me that he's ready.
  I know that everything I am feeling is very selfish.  I have know for most of my life that Grandpa's lungs were slowly getting worse. Now that it is bad enough to actually mean we may have to say good bye  makes me so sad.
 For my Grandma, who has devoted most of her life (54 years today) to him and over the last 16 years taken on the title of nurse.  She selflessly gives of herself and cares for him.  She stays by his side and makes him feel safe.
 For my mom and her siblings, I cant imagine at any age loosing one of my parents.
 For my children.  Grandpa isn't just a Great Grandpa to them.  He is someone they love and ask to go see.  Someone that they know is going to call them girls and laugh when they correct him and tell him "We AREN'T girls, we're boys!!!" Someone that always has a handful of m&m's or Reese's pieces for them when we are leaving after a visit.  He isn't just a Great Grandpa.  He is much more.
  Then for me.  I know that he doesn't always agree with me or the decision I make.  But he is always there to talk with me about it.  He was always up for a game of dice...but you will learn quickly, he always wins.   I remember one game of rook.  I was his partner and I was nervous.  I didn't want to mess up his game with a stupid move so I tried to just follow his lead.  Well people, He shot the moon and we both went down hard.   lol.  I was just glad it was him and not me :)
  When Logan was in the hospital for his last heart surgery, Grandpa and Grandma took Asher for a pretty big chunk of time when Mom and Lanae were both working.  I know that Asher and Grandpa have a little extra tight bond.
  One thing that I will always admire about my Grandpa is that he wanted us to learn from his mistakes.  I remember going through algebra about the same time Grandpa was studying to take his GED.  He told me many times.  Do good in school.  Work hard.  You'll be happy you did.
  As sad as I will be to have to say "See ya later"  I am very blessed to know that my Grandpa loves Jesus.  He will be in heaven having wonderful time till we can all come and be there to.
  Thank you grandpa for who you are, not that you're perfect, but you will openly admit that.  I know that you have helped make me who I am today.  I love you so much!

Seeing clearly...
  Today I took Connor to the eye doctor.  Everything looks wonderful!  I did have one question for the eye man :) No matter how much I work with Connor he just dosent seem to understand colors.  While playing a game like Candy Land or UNO he does very well matching colors.  When I test him randomly by saying "Connor can you find the blue one?"  He may get the right one or you may pick yellow, green and red first.  It is very frustrating.  To me and him!  So with one little 30 second test Dr Jensen said well, yes Colleen, he  has a problem with greens and reds.
  Well, that isnt really what I wanted to hear.  I want him to see colors clearly.  Colors add so much to life.  Color is something that we, the ones of us that can see them, take for granted.  Why can I see all colors but Connor can't?
  Well this all lead me down  a slightly deeper thought path.  Where in my life and I "color deficient"? We all have our struggles.  We all have a weak area in our life that we choose to gloss over.  I call those a "pet sins".  I may not see them.  Not that I wouldnt know that they are there but I have lived with them for so long that they are just something I am used to.  Have they always been there?  I dont know.  Do you have one?  Or a few? What would they be?
  Someone on the outside can look at me and see very clearly where or what mine is but my "color deficient" spiritual eyes cant seem to pick it up.  I have made the changes in my life that make it ok for my little "pet sin" to stay and not cause problems.  It isnt hurting anyone else.  It is something I can keep to myself.  No one will know.
  The problem is, I am a child of the King.  The princess has no secrets.  The King knows all.  Sees all.  Expects that we give all.  That means that we can't just give him the part of ourselves that we deem worthy.  He wants all of us.  Our mind, out heart, our hurts, our dreams, our passions, our thoughts.  He want to make sure that they align with all that he has for us.
  Why are we so quick to hide everything?  Do we really think that God isnt seeing those things?  He knows us better than we know ourselves...right?
  What is it that we are afraid of? Sacrifice?
  You know, God has never asked us to step out in faith where he wasnt willing to go also.  He walked the path of loss.
  God loved me so much to asked his only son to leave heaven.  God sent him to earth.  He asked him to live like a human.  Then he asked him to give his life on earth so that I can live for eternity.  Not only me but all mankind.  What a wonderful father.
  Then look at Jesus.  Talk about a man that could feel rejected.  Imagine you are in heaven, and your dad says,"Hey, I need you to go to earth.  It is going to be really hard.  People are going to be so mean to you.  They are going to spit on you. Lie about you.  Use you.  Beat you up.  In the end you will hang on a cross and they will crucify you.  You will suffer, A LOT!  I need you to do this for the human race.  So that they can come spend eternity with me"
  Jesus is amazing. He not only came and did all that BUT he did it with a happy heart.  He wanted to die for us.  He not only willing came and died but he begged God to forgive his murderers.  "Forgive them father, for they know not what they do."
  So can I clean out my spiritual closets?  God is challenging me.  How about you? Can you give him your burdens?  You pain? Shame? Pride? Self hatred? Can you lay it all at the feet of Jesus and in return let him fill you with truth.  He will replace all that old crap for his new mercies each day.  Fruits of his spirit!  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
  Are we willing to trade in our tired old color blind eyes for ones that see crystal clear?  Can we renew our lives and let Jesus heal parts of us we never wanted to admit where there?  
 

First off...

  I sit and look at this very white and brand new blog spot.  I know that everyone has to start somewhere and sometimes its the hardest to gather your thoughts and really get started.  Once you get going you can gain momentum. Every "new thing" has challenges.  Every "new thing" has an element of excitement.  Every "new thing" takes time to get used to.  Every "new thing" has a purpose.  Something to teach us.  Discipline? Patience? Perseverance? 
  I am not blogging to inspire.  I am not blogging to gain hundreds of followers.  I am blogging simply so that I can put down on paper, well put out in cyber space, things that God is doing in my/our life.  Things that God is speaking to me about. So that I can look back and say, yes look where he has brought me.  If inspiration comes, great! If there are people that want to follow, that's great to.  
  I don't claim to be a great writer. I'm not someone that always uses "real words".  Honestly I might just add "est" to the end of another word and call it a day.  I like to laugh and I like to see others laugh. I enjoy getting to know new people.  To walk with them and connect in a non-superficial way.  I feel like when we walk with Jesus by our side we can share that with others.  Our life, happy, sad, frustrating, or other can encourage others.  To hear that someone has been through something similar to you can give you hope that there is an "end" to each trial.  Or to know that someone that seem to have it all, also goes through trials, can just make you feel a little more "normal".  
  I can be opinionated. I may sound harsh, I may say things that not every one will agree with.  All I have to say to that is. If you don't agree, pray about it.  If God isn't saying the same thing to you, that's OK.  But maybe, just maybe, I can sharpen you and you in return can sharpen me, or the other way around.  
  And Finally, my children, and I may be just a bit bias here, are very funny.  They say and do things that are stinkin funny and cute.  So if nothing else I am going to post fun tid bits of life at our house.  Cause not every lesson that we learn has to be super serious but can come from the mouths of our babes :)  Cause didn't Jesus call us all to be like children?