Thankfulness...sigh....will I ever get it?

  Today I was struggling. 

   As I was folding laundry, I kept having to look at tags. The stuff Logan is to big for is now go on Asher's pile, and so on. 

   On top of that we have some shirts that are matching (cause I am one of those silly moms that like to dress their kids alike)and so there is more tag reading. :( Then there was a small voice in my head (a wonderful mentor mom that has been encouraging the "young" moms at our church) asking, "what do you have to be thankful for?" So this is the list I came up with. 

  * Being a mom -before I even knew I wanted to be :) Any time I got the slightest twinge of baby fever it seemed I was pregnant again. That isn't always the case for everyone and I need to remember that. 

  * Having 3 wonderful, healthy boys. I could be sad that I didn't get the chance to have a little girl. Instead I choose to pray for the ladies my little boys choose to love and commit their lives to. Also knowing that health isn't always a given either. I am so thankful that God is our healer!!!

 

  * In times that the money seems to be less, that we have a payday to look forward to. Or that extra house to clean or someone call for a sitter. 

 

  * When the house is a mess and I cant seem to catch up. I have a house. I have kids to mess it up. I have the ability to clean it. I have friends and family that keep me busy and that's why I cant seem to keep up. I am thankful that the mess will wait and I can do it tomorrow (even if tomorrow is next week). 

  * Then there is laundry! My kids have clothes. The clothes last long enough that more than one or two kids can wear them! 

  * That my car ALWAYS seems to need gas! I have a reliable vehicle. I have places to go. We are so very blessed and I need to remember that. Thank you Jesus for all of the things in my life that I forget are blessings. 

 What are you blessings?

One step at a time.

  Ever have one of those days where you just feel like you can't take one more step? You live for that clock to tell you it supper time. Nap time. Or any time other than the time that it actually is. I have had so many of those days it isn't even funny. 

   Just to be clear, today wasn't one of them but I was reflecting :) God has been very real to me lately. Who He is and how much He loves us. What He wants for us. The blessings He has for us. The past few weeks it feels like He has been so close to me. I come with a question and a song or dream is there instantly. It feels like he answers as soon as I call on Him. 

   Yesterday as I sat and waited to hear what He had to say, there was nothing. I felt a little rush of panic. Wondering what I was doing wrong. Questioning if I was being to selfish. The longer I sat the more anxious I got. Where are you, God? Why aren't you answering me? 

   Then there is was..."I'm here" I had an overwhelming sense of peace. He didn't leave me. This did make me stop and think. I was starting to take it for granted that when I come to God, He answers right that second. That isn't how He always works thought. Am I willing to seek His face? Am I willing to trudge through a long day? Suffer through a hard time knowing that the answer will be there in time? Can I trust that he will never leave me even though He isn't answering? Learning to have patience. 

  It is probably the most hard thing for me. I am good in the now. I can deal with the now. If we need to do something, lets just do it and be done. But waiting, knowing that its coming, but you cant do anything with it yet is hard. I look at the person I once was. I'm not her anymore. God has changed me, molded me, he is refining me. You know what the best part is? He isn't done! He will continue to work in me. (I'm sure that those around me are super excited about that :) 

  Thank you Lord, for taking the time to fine tune me. So that I can be exactly what you have envisioned me to be. For never giving up on me!

Counting it all JOY!

  Early this morning, the kids were talking and laughing. I thought they were being a little on the loud side and I was on my way to tell them that. I rounded the corner to the kitchen and there, in a little circle, in the middle of the kitchen floor, were my three little men. Hanging out, eating some breakfast. All three turned and smiled and in unison said, "We're telling stories!" Then they all burst into laughter. Pure and simple. I forget to see the joy in these little moments sometimes. I was ready to scold them for being to loud. I was reminded this morning that it doesn't have to be some big amazing thing for me to find joy. 

  I need to grab on to those little moments and be truly thankful and blessed by each one.

Learning How to Follow

  "Up from the ashes, your love has brought us. An army of dry bones is starting to rise! Death is DEFEATED and you are VICTORIOUS! God you are ALIVE!!! To our God we lift up one voice, to our God we lift up one song."

   This is the song in my heart this morning. God is doing a new thing in me. He is removing the box that I have him in. He is moving. He is calling me to lay down "my stuff", to show the lost and the hurting how much he loves him. 

   How often do we as Christians, shoot ourselves in the foot. We fight with each other. We take our eyes off Christ and try to "fight" the war on our own. Not our job. We need to fine tune our listening skills. That is so hard for me. 

   Jesus, today I ask that you would move. That you would show me where we need to surrender. Give life to the dry bones so that your army can rise. Bring me into your presence and revive me. Show me just a glimpse of your glory. I know that if I just touch the hem of you garment I will feel your life flow through me! You are glorious! Move me, change me. Make me so on fire for you those around me cant help but ask, "What does she have? I need that!" Go before me. Where you lead I will follow! Amen

Be Still

  Today I find myself rushing around. Try to catch up. It was a busy weekend and I didn't get much of my "daily work" done. The laundry and dishes are piling up. The layer of dust needs attention. The crumbs on the floors needs to be vacuumed. Plants watered, time with my youngster (Who just informed he that he is a super spy. Trying to find the "cookie girl", whose locked in the "shrimp room", I have to pause to laugh).  

  Many things to do and very little time to get it all done. I just feel myself rushing rushing, cant seem to catch up. I say kind of a prayer while I rush around. "God help me to get this done."

  To my surprise he didn't make me move at warp speed but instead his soft and still voice whispered, "Be still, Colleen, and know that I am God". 

  Wait....WHAT! I stop rushing. Is that you Lord? Did I hear you right. "I am the Lord that leads you. Be still and know that I am God" Sigh. I realize I  haven't even invited him into my day. I didn't ask him what he wanted me to do today :( 

  God knows my heart and that is why he is reminding me. I want to be totally sold out for him. That means that if he wants me to do something or go somewhere, that is what I want to be doing.

  He wont barge in. He waits to be invited. God will lead if I am willing follow. To give him my time and talent, is the only way for me not to waste it. If I am willing to be used by Him, He will do wonderful things!

A Heart Full of Thankfulness!

  You know, I hesitate to post because I don't feel like I have something amazing to share. Then I stop and think. Sometimes joy and encouragement come from just the day to day things. Even if I don't think there is a "big lesson" to share, I can still put the every day thought out there :) So here it goes.... 

   Today, this weekend, is a great time to be thankful. For Jesus, for family, for friends. For the fact that we live in the USA. I just want to take a little time to really share a couple "I am thankful fors" :) 

   1. I am thankful that I serve a God that is HUGE! He is so much more merciful and gracious than I will ever know. He loves me more than I deserve and he will NEVER leave me nor forsake me. He chose me. Called me by name. He gently leads me. He always has a plan B cause he knows there is a pretty big chance I will botch plan A. He never fails. He never sleeps. He never pulls away. He always longs to be close to me. He always longs to hear from me. He will always be someone I can count on, turn to, run to, fall on. I don't have to worry about letting him down, I wasn't holding him up in the first place. (He has to gently remind me of this time after time) He is amazing and loves me, even in my imperfections. 

   2. For my hubster. John is the most amazing man! I cant imagine a better daddy for our boys. He has pretty much every quality I said I would never have in a husband, but I think that was just God showing his sense of humor. He is quiet and funny. He is strong yet so kind. He is compassionate even if he tries to hide it from time to time. He loves little children and it melts my heart to see him interacting with our boys or nieces and nephews (who am I kidding, pretty much nephews, since we have only a couple nieces) and our friends' children. To see him pick up a little baby and start talking in that little voice. Or kneel down and talk with a little toddler. Just makes me fall a little deeper in love! He loves me and I see it. He takes care of us in a way that no one else could. He goes above and beyond. He isn't perfect but he is perfect for us! For me :) To be totally cliché and a little sappy "He completes me" (I just had to) :) 

   3. For my boys. I don't know anyone else that can make me laugh like they can. Being a mom has changed a part of me that nothing else could have changed. They challenge me, for the good and bad. They are sweet and sensitive. I love that they all have such different gifts and personalities. I love that they all love in a little different way! They are all so different yet they all come together with John and I and we make one perfect (very loosely using the term "perfect") family. 

   4. Family! Who can forget all of them :) They can be crazy, encouraging, frustrating, irritating, challenging, honest, funny, uncontrolled, obnoxious. Just to name a few. They know me for who I really am. They see beyond my walls. They care about my hurts and my trial. They walk with me in joys and in pain. They pray me through the hard times and send up a big "Praise Jesus" in the good times! They are honest when I need to hear truth. They are more than I deserve. 

   5. Friends. I can honestly say I have been given above and beyond my allotment of friends. I pretty much feel like most of what I just said above for family can be said in this category to. I love my peeps :) My ladies. You all know who you are. We've laughed, cried, laughed again (prolly cried again to :) ) Girls night to relieve stress, ladies groups to encourage and challenge each other. Phone calls to stay connected over miles or just cause we are moms and cant get together. So you stand at the sink and do some dishes and tell the mom on the other end how life is going. Till your neck starts to get sore and you have to hang up and go get a massage (lol, I wish, on the massage part). 

   6. Health. Sickness seems to be everywhere. Lots of that can be aided by the medical profession but not always. We have been so blessed with health. Logan had a bit of a rough start but I praise God that he has a plan for Logan! For all of us! 

   My challenge for today, ask God what I am overlooking. What am I taking for granted in my life that I should be truly thankful for. Big, small or other, I want to acknowledge the blessing in my life! I want to have a heart of thankfulness!

Redeeming Love, Come just as you are!

  Selfish. Prideful. Sin. It's so ugly. Now what? 

 

  We all know that we have these things in our lives. Maybe not a lot. Maybe not even more than a little. Does that really make a difference? Can just a little sin be ok? 

   Now this is not a blog to make you feel guilty. Just the opposite. This post is to remind myself, and whoever else takes time to read it, that there is a wonderful redemption. All we have to do is rise up and grab onto it. 

   What keeps us from doing that? Why don't we reach out our hands? Surrender our pride? Let the walls we built around our hearts, long ago? You know the walls I'm talking about. The one you started constructing when you didn't even realize that is what you were doing. Every time someone made you feel like you will never add up. Then that voice in your head. You know the one I mean. The broken record saying, you aren't chosen. You aren't lovely. You are never going to be worthy. 

   In steps redemption. In comes our one true knight in shining armor. He paid so dearly. To show me and you just how chosen, how lovely, he thought we are. It wasn't easy. He gave all. 

   At church a theme we have going is pride and selfishness and God wanting to do a NEW thing. I sat in the service yesterday with this very heavy heart. Feeling almost hopeless. I was asking God what he wanted from me that I wasn't giving. Asking if I would ever be good enough to have him love to. Ever be the daughter he longed for. Do you know what I heard him say. He spoke to my heart and he said, "You always have been." Can I really believe that? Can I trust that he loves me? 

   Last night, I was having a hard time going to sleep (which hardly ever happens to me). I started to pray. I was asking God why its so hard for me to let go and trust Him. I had the coolest dream. I was in the clouds. The sky was black but there were all these stark white clouds. All at once there was this bright white light shining between the clouds. All around me. Then I saw Jesus walking toward me. Not his face, because the light behind him was so bright that he was just a dark silhouette. Just as I was getting close to him he vanished. Along with the light and it was completely dark.

 

   It was so real I almost started to cry. I felt so lost and alone. Then God said, " You wont give all, cause you think that's the kind of father I am. I will never leave you nor forsake you" 

   Then the light was back. The light was so bright, there wasn't darkness anywhere. This time I could feel warm arms around me. There was a peace and a calm the washed over me. It was a perfect night of sleep! 

   Redemption is here! I don't have to do anything for it. Its free! I'm free! He set me free! 

  Can we truly take that in? Ask God to show you where you are still holding onto things you need to let go of. He is gentle and loving. He will shower you with love and grace. Come as you are.