Sadness, laughter and faith

  Yesterday was a wonderful day.  Family all together.  Celebrating the fact that my grandparents have been married for 54 years!   (Some family also is here from out of state so that's always a good reason to get together also.) We had a good time.  A fun time.  A time of making memories and laughing.

    It was getting late and I hadn't taken time to go talk with my grandpa.  So I made my way into the living room where he was sitting in his chair watching the Olympics.    I watched him struggle for the most basic human necessity...oxygen.  My nose started to tingle a little.  I knew that if I didn't try and think about something else I was going to start crying.  I didn't want him to see me cry. I'm strong, I'll hold it back.
  I asked him how he was doing.  He didn't reply, just kept focuses on his breathing.  He looked around as if trying to find something.
 I said,"Do you need something Grandpa?"
 He said,"Yes, a new life" very nonchalant.
"You're ready for Jesus to give you those new lungs?"
"YES!"
"Did you ask him?"
"I ask him often.  I dont care if it here or there but I'm ready whenever he is."
 In my mind, I was 13 all of a sudden.  Walking into the bathroom in our old farmhouse.  Patrick was sitting there with an inhaler in one hand and doing everything he could to just say, "I...cant...breath."  I was helpless then and I am still helpless.  I couldn't help Patrick and after all this time I have no new knowledge on help someone whose lungs aren't working.  Which means that I cant help my Grandpa either.
  It shouldn't be this way.  It isn't fair!  I want to stomp my feet and throw a fit.  I want him to be healed.  I don't want to see him struggle...so that's what I say.
"Grandpa I'm sorry this is so hard for you.  It makes me sad seeing you struggle so hard."  Now I have tears trickling down my face.  I still try to hide them.  Brushing them away as quickly as they come.
 His response, "Well Colleen, its just going to get worse."
 It hit me like 10 tons of bricks and I couldn't hold any of it back.  Tears started streaming down my cheeks and he just went on, you know, as if I wasn't sitting there blubbering on.
  "We know Jesus went to heaven to prepare us a mansions and when its ready he will come to take us home."
 I know that!  Does he think I don't?  No, he knows I do.  This is just his way of telling me that he's ready.
  I know that everything I am feeling is very selfish.  I have know for most of my life that Grandpa's lungs were slowly getting worse. Now that it is bad enough to actually mean we may have to say good bye  makes me so sad.
 For my Grandma, who has devoted most of her life (54 years today) to him and over the last 16 years taken on the title of nurse.  She selflessly gives of herself and cares for him.  She stays by his side and makes him feel safe.
 For my mom and her siblings, I cant imagine at any age loosing one of my parents.
 For my children.  Grandpa isn't just a Great Grandpa to them.  He is someone they love and ask to go see.  Someone that they know is going to call them girls and laugh when they correct him and tell him "We AREN'T girls, we're boys!!!" Someone that always has a handful of m&m's or Reese's pieces for them when we are leaving after a visit.  He isn't just a Great Grandpa.  He is much more.
  Then for me.  I know that he doesn't always agree with me or the decision I make.  But he is always there to talk with me about it.  He was always up for a game of dice...but you will learn quickly, he always wins.   I remember one game of rook.  I was his partner and I was nervous.  I didn't want to mess up his game with a stupid move so I tried to just follow his lead.  Well people, He shot the moon and we both went down hard.   lol.  I was just glad it was him and not me :)
  When Logan was in the hospital for his last heart surgery, Grandpa and Grandma took Asher for a pretty big chunk of time when Mom and Lanae were both working.  I know that Asher and Grandpa have a little extra tight bond.
  One thing that I will always admire about my Grandpa is that he wanted us to learn from his mistakes.  I remember going through algebra about the same time Grandpa was studying to take his GED.  He told me many times.  Do good in school.  Work hard.  You'll be happy you did.
  As sad as I will be to have to say "See ya later"  I am very blessed to know that my Grandpa loves Jesus.  He will be in heaven having wonderful time till we can all come and be there to.
  Thank you grandpa for who you are, not that you're perfect, but you will openly admit that.  I know that you have helped make me who I am today.  I love you so much!